Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I’m not lazy
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.