A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car