I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!