Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Tier 3 meme
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.