[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
cry laughing at this shit
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.