Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.