I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Growing up was a huge mistake
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)