sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office