Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
🖤✌🏽
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
umm…
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.