My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.