I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.