Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.