“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Got ya covered
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”