Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Perfection.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that