God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
we all know this pain all too well
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building