ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no