Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Well, that should do it
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then