Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
not for long
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me when my alarm goes off
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.