man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.