Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Lmao the reply