I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I don’t know what to do
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other