If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead