what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
good for her
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!