Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?