Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line