Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.