This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’m already scared
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Still my favorite television listing of all time: