So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason