cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I bet
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
@funTweeters
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.