Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Ron is short for Aaronald
BaD BoY!!
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety