I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Hey I worked for it too!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor