I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]