[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.