Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Boating season is upon us.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.