Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
You Might Also Like
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Great Canadian literature.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.