Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: