Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.