I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
cat faces on other animals, a thread
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?