I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.