me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*