no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
What?!?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.