Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager