[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
that’s really how it is