DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.