Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”