Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”