ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.