I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no