Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
The first one, obviously
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Yup….perfect score!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.