Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
You Might Also Like
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.